while watching t v

i found that i will soon be moving. not new, i've moved many times.
i am moving out of an apartment complex and into a house. i have found that this time, i enjoyed living in a complexe..
the social dynamics of apartment living are important, and is being able to walk the trails and be near the trees as their leaves fall. for myself, being able to speak with people who i see everyday, and yet still aqaintences, is important. interaction is important.
not two minutes walk away is a CVS, where i go to all the time and know the people there, and they know me.  again, important.
in a lonely place with no where to go, i could wrap up like a cacoon and stay there, untlil, until.

there at the complex, i wraped up alarge towel, some soap, and put them in a small beach bag. it was late and no one could be seen. i slinked out of the apt.in black tights and t-shirt. barfoot, i coursed though the grassed hill to the front pool. the front pool had three small pools with fountains at one end.

it had been a cool night. i lay my towel on the side of the pool. naked and feeling the nipped breeze i soaped up and dunked myself in the dead cold water..
i gingerly jumped from the pool and grabbed my bath towel. driying myself, course and fast. i slipped back into my black tights and t-shirt and put the towel and soap back into my beach bag. then i walked like a dancer home.

THE EVIL MEMOIRS

The horrors of past persecutions live deep within where ever we go, as though we were a single entity.

persecution came as did the seasons. in this season the oppressors would not include the right of life. the right to walk upon the earth.

Our instincts were basic. the same as any other human being. to survive. 

now survival would be harder,though we had no choice, and had to go on until the downfall of hitler and his nazi party.

surely something so monstrous could not last. a year at most. then a coup would ensue and the hitler government overthrown. restoration of a reasonable democratic government in germany would prevail.

this did not happen. the nazi reign of insanity lasted twelve years.

A third of europe's jews were dead. three out of four in poland alone.

in 1933 germany turned into a topsy-turvey world.

in january of that year, president paul von hindenburg appointed adolph hitler, reich chancellor.la heartbeat from the presidency.

nazi soldiers paraded in the streets carrying cumbersom torches. lights reached forever up to the stars. 

thousands of people stood on the sidewalks.. women crying, people laughing, all waving tiny imitations of  huge red, white and black banners, which hung from tops of buildings..

the architecture of  each building was lost in blood red.

shades of things to come.

paqpa, ani and i watched as the torch bearers marched, a never ending line of men. a living swastika.  mesmerizing.

even we, as jews, were caught up in the pagentry. 

caught up as hitler took the podium. caught in his web as he spoke.

his gestures magnified his words.

with each 'hiel',  excitment  grew, yet when he spoke, one could hear a pin drop. 

we heard the words. the jews were the enemy within. it had been our fault germany lost the war. our fault there had been a war.

our fault germany signed the treaty of versallies, their ultimate humiliation. 

we,collectively, stabbed germany in the back. we the traitors, foreigners in our country.

hitler promised if the world were to go to war again, the jews would be to blame, and we all would suffer the consequence.

 we heard. but we did not listen.

some began leaving germany. papa told anika they were foolish, after all, jews had lived in germany for over one thousand years. 

"hitler is vying for attention. suerly nothing herr hitler threatened would come to pass. we are a great part of germany, nothing will happen to any of us."

father seemed so sure. so sure, but maybe he had been whistling past the graveyard.

i had an uneasy feeling as hitler spoke. 

the crowd went wild.

light from the torches bounced off my smooth face, shone dimly, then flashed a bright light.

ani, breathing deeply, moved to and fro, feeling faint was suffocating in the deep recesses of woolen coats and uniforms surrounding her small frame.

"papa, papa', she cried, "i can't breath, can't catch my breath.l"

hershel turned to see her face, wet with perspiration, eyes rolling back. her lids fluttered like butterfly wings.

"ani," he shouted as she fell into the crowd.

he picked her up in his massive arms cradling her head with a large hand.

hershel moved swiftly through the crowd. 

when at last we were blocks from the rally site papa sat ani down on a low stone retaining wall. he sat next to her, his arm around her small waist."are you alright ani?" 

he took her small face in his hand and turned it towards him to see for himself.

"i..yes, i think so papa.''

her breathing, shallow now, and searching her father's face with her mother's eyes, she again whispered to him, suddenly, "i am frightened father, so very frightened."

''ani, my ani,'' he enveloped her to his chest,, her face pushing against it. "don't , don't be frightened, sh, sh, sh, everything will be alright, it will you will see. don't cry don't cry.'' he rocked her gently there on the stone wall.

they sat this way for some time. 

it was quiet now. the rally and shenanigans were over, or so we thought.

as hershel and ani rose to walk home, they could hear harsh voices not far from where they stood.

a sound of glass breaking, a bottle of spirits most probably.

''come baby, time to go home, school tomorrow."

what in the world

The J date-ONE

There it came. The knock on the door. I knew it would be him. I smelled the roses, then blew out the candle. I looked over at mom standing in the kitchen,peeking out the corner window. She gave me the thumbs up sign. I walked to the door,as my breath came faster and faster,and my heart reached the door seconds before I did, I ran back to the mirror in the hallway and checked myself. I had a compulsion to run back again as soon as I pulled myself away from the mirror. Here I go.
There I stood, staring at the door. He knocked again.
"Goldie, answer the door before he walks away."
"Right." I answered deadpan. I didn't know how I should pose as I opened the door. I became rediculously nervous, as though this were my first date.
I opened the door, as once again he took my breath away. I actually lost it.
Yes, he still was handsome, so I remembered it the way I remembered it.
He was that handsome. I became instantly excited. Hoping I wouldn't act as a complete jerk would, I took his hand biding for him to come in. I saw my mother's face. Her eyes shined, she glowed! Did he affect every woman this way? No. I had no way of knowing that J looked very much like my father when they were married. I had seen pictures, I just didn't see it. Ah well. He hooked her very well. I felt myself falling in love. My stomach hurt, I was tongue tied.
"Hey," I said, not taking my eyes off of his.
"Hey," amused.
I wondered if he knew the reaction women had when they looked his way. I wondered if he knew my heart readied itself for the jump of a lifetime. Across the street palms swayed, i could hear the breeze. It breathed it's way through the doorway, caught my hair and for that instant I was bummed I wore my hair short. What a stupid thing to think.
I asked him in, he spoke with mom, and soon enough he whisked me down the elevator and in to his little blue sports car. Top up. Clean. Two packs of Marlboro cigarettes sat on the console. Black leather interior plus his cologne intoxicated me just as though I had had a cocktail. The smell was delicious. I drank it I breathed it, I loved it.
The drive ,lovely,as I found we had crossed one of the old cement bridges over the inter coastal. The sun,an orange and blue globe,settleling in the ocean,,echoed into the clouds coloring them creamsicle orange. The colors in my head were orange,blue and white. White light fogged my head.
"What?," I asked.
"Are you hungry?, It is good to see you again."
"And with cloths," we laughed. It was odd.
We whooshed into the dark restaurant, candle glow shimmered from each table. Crystal glasses clinked against fine china.Musical. Though quiet, I heard the hushed voices,forced laughter. Someone else nervous out there?
We sat, I floated.
I had white wine, and a martini to start of course. Ate the olives, sucking the pimento from them. It was awkward eating the salmon I had ordered. Good, however it was hard to chew, so nervous was I, I laughed out loud,almost spiting the wine across the table.
I drank enough to loosen up nicely, I thought our conversation very interesting. If you asked, I never could tell anyone what I had said, or not said. I know the entire conversation was a bobbing and weaving of sexual overtones and we both knew we couldn't wait to have each other in bed. 
Savouring the moment for a few, we left.
It had rained,but that never cooled down a Florida night in summer, nor any other time of year. Lights from businesses and cars flashed on the black streets. Buildings were tall. Banks or condos lined either side of the slick streets. Not even one block later we were walking from the garage park into an air cooled building. The elevator quickly zoomed us to the top floor.
As we entered the hallway, I looked back at him. He kissed me. lightly, gently, and I longed for more. The heat floated up between us. I didn't feel the air conditioned hall, nor did I see the walls on either side of us.
I know I breathed a sigh of relief as he stopped at a door, inserting the key, and pushing the door open.
I had no idea he would have a wonderful apartment on the ocean. No idea his car would be fantastically expensive. I had no idea, nor did I care. When we met we wore nothing. All that I knew was he was the most handsome man I had ever seen. And he exuded a gentleness. Sweet and sexy. a far and away perfume.
He pushed me toward a wall, then embraced my waist. His hands moved to my shoulders and my neck. Holding my face in his hands he pressed his lips against mine giving me a long and deeply passionate kiss. My hands landed slowly against his neck.
The heat spiked at six hundred degrees. Slowly he unbuttoned each small pearl button at the front of my blouse. Kissing my chest his hands moved to my pants. Unsnapped, unzipped he slipped them down my legs---I froze. Shy, Modest?, what the hell. I met him, I had no cloths on. NOW i feel odd? Really? oh for Pete's sake. I am not believing this..
He caught on to what had happened."We met, we were nude!"
I didn't know whether he would laugh or cry.
"Are you now telling me you-?"
"Yes, please. Could we take this a bit slower?"

It is now ten years later, we still have a burning desire. I saw J on and off for two of those ten. Now we speak on the phone. He makes jokes, I laugh. We have a nice friendship.

The Beguiling

       In the dictionary, beguiling means ; charming or fascinating, using slyness to delude someone.
       Here we see four important words left off this list. These are
       Seemingly dumb,
       Hair color blond.
To this I say 'using slyness to delude. The seemingly dumb blond is exceptional at this.
      She works 'charming and fascinating' coyly.  Saying only what needs saying. She is confident in her sexuality. Wide eyed, curiosity, feigned precisely.
     While spiritual can mean wonderful, ethereal, earthy, achingly intuitive... Spirituality can be; devious, crafty and sly.
     Spirit working a delusion which is herself; alluring
                                                                   enticing,
                                                                   tempting. wanting to suck someone in. Oh yes! As well as entice or Flim Flam.
Dishonorable and dishonest.
She attracts attention with her 'killer looks', and bewitching body.
And bewitch, hex, put horns on it, vamp, voodoo-------------

tickle to death.      LOLLLLOL

by the way, I am blond.

The Naturalist Life

Sissy had taken me into a world that I had been into many years before.
I liked it, and yet,I didn't.
I saw young girls who were just budding breasts.A pair of twins. Not their breasts,two young girls.
We,Sissy, and her boyfriend,just a taste of someone else while she was married, went to a nude beach in Florida often.
Then a day came along when we went to a nudist resort.
We parked, and there on the other side of the fence was man walking along with all of his glory swinging in the breeze.
This was one of the oddest things to me.
Now, believe me, I never said I was a babe in the woods. Far from it. But the man walking inside the fence made me feel so absolutely weird. I thought ,why in the world would we drive here with our cloths on, only to take them off once inside this fancy resort.
I sat at the bar, on a bar stool which must have had hundreds of vaginae and penis' on it at one time or another.
Breasts and Penis' whooshed and swayed in the breezes.
I ordered a Long Iced tea, and for goodness sakes, it wasnt hard to not see what at that moment, and all of a sudden, I didn't want to see anymore.
Beautiful pools, three, sparkled and danced in the sun. There was laughter, silent sexual moments,overt sexuality.
I wore , yes, I wore, my most fabulous dress to dinner. This resturant had five stars. I couldn't see myself sitting in a gorgeous resturaunt without any clothing. This almost seemed, no, not almost, it DID seem laughable and rediculous. Thank Gooooooodness, all others were wearing clothing..
I loved this dress, and the moment I got away to see J, I wore that dress. It had a low bodice and a flowing skirt, cabbage roses, red, pink and low beautiful greens.
Waiting for J to come pick me up, it was this dress I wore, with chrystal peep toed heels.
I was breathless as I entered his small bmw. I looked at him, he watched me and his eyes had a love shine.
It rained that day, and for the first time, I was able to weild my too faboo umbrella.
We were on our way, and I treasured every second we were together.
Finally, we reached his condo.

Meeting J

He stood against the white washboard canteen smoking the stub of a cigar.
My breath was taken. where? away, far away. I saw nothing but him.
Sissy was interested to, and I could tell she wanted to meet him as well.
He walked Sissy and I to our umbrella where we had laid our blankets out.
We, all three talked. The chemistry between J and myself  took an unmistakable turn up on the heat. I wanted him. There, anywhere. My heart pumped, and felt as though it would smash my chest. It crushed, and exploded. I was instantly and totally in love.  The heat was unbearable. Not the sun, though the florida sun flashed like fired, it was the heat between he and I.
He asked me for my phone number and it ended up in his hand in half a second.
J called me that day when i came home from the beach. He asked me out, I said yes, and he said, "thank you", he actually said thank you.. yes, he thanked me for saying yes to him. He, thanked me.
I almost cried.

Sissy and Kate

Sissy's face was changing. The blond hair she tried made her look tired and old. When she first colored her hair it looked relatively good. But then, I don't know, something happened to her. She wasn't herself. Actually, she was me.
In her house, and she made a beautiful home, we went into her closet. She told me to look and see if there weren't some clothing i liked. I had gone 'shopping' at a friends closet, so i didn't need anything. She seemed to be pleading for me to take something, anything. So I found a short little sweater, and wore it almost constantly, for her.
I found her on the couch, she was crying.
"Sissy, what is wrong with you?" Things weren't that bad, well, one of her boyfriends had asked me out, i said yes, only because i wanted to drink a beer. Yes, I was that bad.
She stood suddenly and caressed my hands in hers.
"Don't you see Kate?"
"What, what is it?"
"Look at me," she said to me.
"I am. Sissy..."
"My hair, my jewelry, I am not me. I am you. I want to be you." She broke down and lay her head on my shoulder. "I have always envied you. Mom and dad, they always loved you. I was pushed to the side. When you were born, they didn't want to know I even existed. I went through mom's things, you know the papers in her lock box? There was a lock of dad's hair, and a lock of yours. Not mine. Kate, she didn't even have my birth certificate. It is as though I never existed. Help me Kate. I am no one. Who am I, who am I?"

The Great Trickle----A Poem

     Heavy water pounds at concrete
cresting and breaking, over again--
shields of contention held overhead
'Let us out', they seem to say
'Let us out'. The plea grows louder
They grew to a roaring, uncontainable by man

Over the wall, water began its trickle..to punch
a crack which ran the back of the old dam faced wall

From behind it, the angry waters let go.
drowning, destroying, killing
as the whipping wild calmed.

Devestation glistened in the sunlight

It feels good to be free.
But the destruction, the crying, the wailing

It feels good to be free, as water will,
it sunk to the lowest level plodding, feeling, tasting.

Understand in to-to, better to be a mass.
a powerful mass-of broken crests- not spread so, here and there.

I Cut My Hair

So, I cut my hair. Short, short. and i dyed it platinum blond. I bought big ,large, humongous earrings, and went with Sissy to the nude beach, where she and her boyfriend (the naturalist) played.
It wasn't the same for Sissy, after losing her husband, and then taking up with, the naturalist,who when we came home from England that year, to find that her boyfriend had been arrested for having pornographic pictures that were downloaded from her computer. She had a fit. Such a fit, she lay on the floor in a fetus position crying.
So, we went to the beach. At first it was hard to take of my cloths. So I did it coyly. Taking off one piece of clothing at a time.
The more times we went there, the more cloths came off. Now I Kate, had a terrible body image, even though my body was smashing. I still had body image issues. I never wanted Sissy to look at anything I had, in order not to raise her ire.
Soon Sissy cut her hair, and dyed it blond. At this point she went out and bought large, hoopy, tremendous earrings. It was odd living with someone who looked just like me, sort of.
I missed mom tremendously, but things I had found out, things she had said about me, made me change my mind about my mother. It was terribly hard to find this out, after she was gone. I had no way to speak to her. To find out why. Why had she told me one thing, and said another behind my back. Utterly frustrating.
Beyond this, Sissy and I had found mom's personal papers, where there was no mention of Sissy at all. As though she didn't exist.  It was creepy to say the least.
The more we went to that beach ,the better my body image, until i was wearing sun dresses with nothing underneath.
One day, as the Florida sun blasted both of us, I proceeded to get us both a canned drink at the canteen. And there, there, was the most beautiful man I had ever seen. I didn't see his body, though it was there for all to see, I saw nothing but his beautiful hazel eyes.
Love at first sight, even though he two other girl friends, who at that time, I knew nothing about.
He called me, and we started dating. I was in a dream. I never wanted it to end. It continues to this day... now he is married.. and still it continues... but that is another story.
There came a day, in mid summer, and this was the summer of the unending hurricanes.
We live in a veritable cave. Not able to take down our hurricane shutters was the most depressing life. It was dark and dreary, and frightening.
Sissy who was afraid of thunderstorms, held my head in her lap, talking me through the shingles flying off the roof. The tree that fell, and it was I ,this time who was a scared child. At last Sissy, sort of, loved me, I think. Though it wasn't a show. Each time the storm passed, she became the same old Sissy, to my dismay.

Contraception OUT-Rage

We are the United States. We are women. We have the right to say 'yes', or 'no.
It is about time that women are at the fore front in the health care issue. We have waited since Roe vs Wade, in the 1970's for this gigantic step taken by the Obama administration.
Any woman, because of religious belief, may opt out, you don't have to take birth control. No one is forcing your mouth open, and nothing is forced down your throats. But for those who need, and or want birth control this is a fabulous force of women on the move.
I say HALLELUJAH for Barak Obama.  And I am sure that I am not the only woman to say this.  The fact that I do not Take or need birth control is up to me. But for other women I say, congratulations to you all, and many more.

Now the work must start keeping abortion safe and legal for all women.  AND they must not need their husbands OK.  For a husband, or a boyfriend is not his woman's keeper.

Men, all men, should and must stay out of our uterus'. This organ belongs to us... Woman!

Sissy snd Kate

Sissy and Kate are sisters, Sissy dislikes Kate because she is jealous. Kate love Sissy because she is her sister.
Interview with the girls. We start with Sissy.. She is older.


So, Sissy, what are you after? : After?  What do you mean?
Do you love your sister, and if not why do you suppose that is: hmm mm, well, my sister was born, and i was horrified. She was just another thing which was going to take my mothers attention away from me. first it was my dad, he came home from the war when i was two, i believe.  Then just a few years later my sister was born. I just couldn't take it.  It was the end of the line.  I didn't want a father, and I surely didn't want a sister of all things.  Maybe a brother, but not a sister.
Did you have any idea how your sister felt : well, uh, she wasn't born yet.
Do you know how she feels about you now? Not really,I wouldn't blame her if she hated me.
Katie, how do you feel about your sister? I used to hate her. she was a bitch, she hopefully knows that, but then my sister wasn't grounded in reality. Now, i love her, and as i have always wanted a sister, i will take what ever I can get?
Do you realize she is still jealous of you? No, but what can i do about that? nothing, so...
What , be honest, did you both think of your mother?  Both start laughing 
Sissy: I think she was two faced.
Kate: I thought we were close, but some of the things i found out after her death, well, i feel she was two faced as well.
How did you both feel about you father?
Sissy, I loved him more than life.
Kate, Ditto and more, he was a brilliant man, and he taught me most of what I know, especially history, astronomy.Art.  He is my hero.

This will be continued...  right after we take a break, and we eat.

My Uterus

Why is my uterus so important to republican right men?
I realize I do have a wonderful uterus, but isn't it up to me whether i want my uterus looked into my old ,white haired, right wing, republican, christian right men, to look into this? 
If I decide to have an abortion, isn't that my right.. I thought that was called not only women's rights, but my right under Roe versus Wade?   GEE, you know I had the crazy idea that abortion was legal, hm mm... am I wrong?????
WHAT SAY YOU LADIES?

The Flying Blue Animitron Part 3

"Katie. Katie?"  Sissy , Siisy."  Where were those girls. She sighed. Mom walked to the window. She saw her girls out among the trees in the backyard. They were standing under the pear tree. Sissy picked a pear and ate it. Yes, pears were in season now. And how nice to have them in one's backyard.
    She remembered how beautiful the little flowers were when pears were in bloom. They had an apple tree as well.. and a cranberry. How unbelievable those flowers were. When the entire tree was engulfed in blooms it looked like a pink cloud.
    AH, Ron Paul is on television. I think i shall sit and watch.  That stupid sticky
couch. I wonder if anyone else hated that couch. But my mother wanted to give it to me.. I couldn't say 'no', could I?

The Big Blue Flying Animitron Pt. 2

    Sissy's face tilted in that odd way she had of sliding off. Her eyes were glassy, and she did look very far away.

Day dreaming no doubt. That is a family trait. To day dream. We all did slide  off very often. Well, I know I did, often.

     "Sissy," I said so softly, it sounded like the thin line between lip and glass. "Sissy,"

     "Hm mm, yes,"

     "Well, there you are. Where did you go?".

     "Forgive me if I go up the stairs dear Jayne?"

     "Surely not, of course go. Ring me if anything, will you?"

     "Certainly."

     "Alright then, good night."

     "Good night,"

      Alright, I thought then. She is Sissy E. 

     E. I filed E. in England. When Sissy E. came out things weren't to bad. She was so terribly proper..  ARGH! I actually could not stand E. Her psychiatrist was unendurable. Tight lipped. I ultimately favored my thought that Dr. was made of stone.

     Time, come back please...please. Aah, I believe time is not who he says he is. Telling me he is quarter past three and three fifteen at the same time. When I asked about this curious debacle, he only said to me this outrageous ditty... Well, he said, time did "you are able to stand in different places at the same time"

     What?, I asked. He just watched me, and tilted his head in that queer manner, the same as Sissy had done, and then he was off.

     I wonder which letter Sissy will be tomorrow. Provided she doesn't get up in the middle of the night requiring a new and different letter. Then of course to decide whether the letter is upper or lower case.

The Blue Flying Animitron

Mom was dead.
Long live the bloody mary. No, the bloody mary is a drink. Right.
We left the hospital after she died. I sat in Sissy's car. The silence was the proverbial,deafening.
Sissy's long nails were finished red. They were beautiful. She handled the wheel with grace, and confidence. She shook, but she was a fabulous driver, always was. She was alot like dad this way. They both drove as though the car was connected to the road.
"Well, that's it." She said to me.
"Yes." I said back to her. I watched her. She was sad. Her profile was vulnerable at this moment. "How do you feel?"
"Okay", she sucked in air.
The last time I saw her this way, she told me about the terrible day her husband got killed.
"I'd love a bloody Mary." I told her.
"Your an alcoholic."
"Yeah," I said. "Never mind."
"What did you think?"
"About what?"
"Her dying."
"Fabulous show."
"Katie," my sister said and started laughing.
"What?" I elongated the 'a' and also started to laugh.
We caught eyes, hers brown, mine blue, they mixed, and we exploded in laughter.
"This is terrible. We shouldn't be laughing like this now."
"I know that."But we were, we were laughing hysterically. Was it nerves? It didn't feel as though it were nerves. Maybe it was the mystical 'release' of all that had built up over these past months. It felt more like that. Yes, a release.
As we reached the driveway of Sissy's house,I started to cry as did she. I walked around in a daze.
It is such an odd feeling when someone you love dies. There are things you go through.
First I couldn't feel my body. As though I was in the midst of fantastic anxiety voyage.

Brain Universe

Imagine a dark starry universe with a fixed firmament. The firmament is my skull.
The dark universe is my brain. i am living with a brain explosion.
How do I get the far reaches back to a fixed size?
The space is enormous. The echoes are loud. I hear someone call my name. Are they far away, or am I?
Make sense? I make perfect sense to me, what is the problem with you?
Me? There is nothing wrong with me, it is definitely you.
I am circular today. Moving around from place to place. Sometimes I move in a straight line, other days, not so much.
How do you move? Up, down, or around?

To Register-2 register

    Attention: apparently my blog has not been registered the entire time I have been blogging.  This news was brought to me by a contact I have at linkedin.com.
  I have been excited with various different social websites. In my opinion, if you are a professional, looking to contact in your own, or other professions in different fields, the best and most fabulous way is to connect with linkedin.com
  I am not a spokesperson, nor payed for this review of the site. I simply am a user and obviously content with linkedin.com.

dera bellink